Do you ever feel like the clock is ticking down and the bomb is about to explode? And obviously I’m speaking metaphorically, but there are many times where I understand that life is short and I wonder if I’m going to be able to do everything I need to do before I leave this earth. I can feel the clock ticking, and I know there’s so much to do.
When Steve Jobs realized he was going to die, he said, “Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything - all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.”
Those last five words “only what is truly important” is what it comes down to. At the end of the day, what is truly important? Oh my God, this is going to be a massive ramble. My thoughts are flying all over the place, and I need to write them out just to sort them out. There’s no way I feel comfortable posting this, but there’s something strangely cathartic knowing it’s out there. Yet, I’ll do one post on Saturday knowing few people will see it, so there’s a bit of comfort knowing this is probably being read by only a handful.
Where do I begin? It’s clear I already started, but it feels like the middle. This clock ticking thing has been with me for some time, and there are certain events or little incidents that seem to make it louder. Perhaps it was the silliness that surrounded the taking of a quiz. While the results ultimately don’t matter, it was the revelation of how I could be perceived that got this started. And I understand why I may be perceived that way from certain people, but there’s something they don’t understand. I was a bit tempted to explain it on the post, but the explanation is a bit long, and the thread had started getting ridiculously long.
I can understand why I can be perceived as being creative because I’ve been quite creative over the years, but the thing that most people don’t know is that none of that comes natural to me. In fact, most of that is very hard. Growing up, I was very good at math, and learning was very easy for me. As I got older, I developed a certain confidence in what would be considered the left part of my brain, and I was all set in creating a bright future utilizing that part of my mind. But you know what God does when you make plans. And so when He puts a vision in your heart and a purpose for your life, you either decide to live your own life or you realize that there’s more to life than your own thoughts.
I’ve always felt that He put me in the creative space because that’s where I was the least comfortable. He knew that if it was in any other area, my pride would take a great deal of the credit. So He put me in place where it didn’t come natural to me, a place that whatever I did, I couldn’t take any of the credit. Believe me folks, if you’ve detected any pride in my creative abilities, it’s all an act. It’s all to mask all my insecurities in believing I can do something creative that would be worthwhile. But I’ve seen God enhance those abilities. I remember one time at the piano, I was starting to do things I had never done, and it blew me away. I remember thinking it had to be God, because I had never even tried anything like what I was doing.
And so what people see is more of what God’s doing through me rather than what’s really in me. And it’s something that, quite often, I’d rather not do, but it’s something I can’t put aside because I know what’s at stake. The other day, my business partner and I were talking, and she was talking about the many relationships she has. We often joke about how long she can talk because she has so many friends of the opposite sex, while I remain silent, because, well, I don’t. And because I have nothing to say in that matter, she perhaps felt the need to tell me that I wouldn’t die alone. Now while I may disagree with her statement, I responded, “I don’t fear dying alone. I fear dying unfinished.” There's is so much that needs to be done, and no one knows what tomorrow holds. I then made her promise that, if something should happen to me, she would continue in seeing the vision come to fruition.
What’s really important? I have felt that a person would make a dramatic change in their life if they had a glimpse of eternity. There are so many things to like about Paul, but what I love is his humanness. I love how he realized how big a hypocrite he was. He admitted that he was doing things he shouldn’t be doing, and not doing things he should be doing. That’s a huge statement. He’s basically saying, “I may be doing all these things for God, but I’m still screwed up.” What a great lesson to anyone who feels they're not worthy to be doing what God has for them to do. Paul didn't even feel worthy, but he was doing it nonetheless.
I’m always amused that most people miss one little fact about Paul’s night in the jail. Yes, he was beaten and thrown in a dungeon. Yes, things were bleak when he started praising God. But, he had an ace up his sleeve, and most people miss it. He was a Roman citizen improperly imprisoned, and he knew it. That was one of the first things he said to the officials the next morning. Not taking anything away from his singing in the prison, but although things were bleak, it wasn’t hopeless, and he knew it. In fact, that may have been the reason why he was praising God in the first place.
But there are two things he said that are my favorite. The first is when he said that he could do all things through Christ who strengthened him. It frustrates me a bit when I hear people say that to get the promotion they want or things of that nature, because his mindset was so different when he said that. He had just been talking about how his life was a rollercoaster, and that he had to learn to be content. Not happy, content. Essentially, he’s saying, “no matter how sucky my life may be, there’s a bigger picture in play, and I can get through this because I have God’s strength.” In fact, just a few verses later, he’s thanking the readers profusely for helping take care of him. Having to learn to be content, knowing what it’s like to be in a state of hunger, this is not a man who is “enjoying” life. He’s on a mission, and he knows what’s important.
The other thing he said is that to live is Christ and to die is gain. He had talked about being beaten, stoned, whipped, imprisoned, and in his humanness, he’s saying sticking around here is not really appealing to him. Verses later, he tells them he wants to get out of here, and that he’s only sticking around for them. What a statement! This is a man who sees the big picture. He knows his mission, he knows his purpose and is not going to be deterred, no matter how unenjoyable this life could be. Now is it so bad that he’s suicidal? No. He just has the understanding that even if life here was heaven on earth, it would still be nothing in comparison to what eternity has to give. He’s not taking a total “woe is me” approach, but he’s saying that no matter how hard this life may be, he’s going to fulfill his mission because he knows what in store for him. His focus is on what’s truly important.
And I guess that’s why I needed to write this, to remind myself to focus on what’s truly important. This life will have its ups and downs, and it’s easy to get distracted and lose sight of the bigger picture. What is the mission? What is the purpose? What is truly important? It’s different for everyone, obviously. What is truly important to you? Do you know? And is your life a reflection of that? Paul’s life certainly reflected that. His mentality was that tomorrow was going to be worth the price of today. That is a tough path, but one that he knew he was called to. When you’re called to a path and you know the stakes, you’re going to take it, even if that path is unappealing.
I can see why I would be perceived in one way. I’ve taken a path that is quite contrary to who I am, as I try to do things beyond my capabilities. I don’t know how tough this path will be. I know it’s not going to be easy. I know it’s only going to be through God that I’m able to do what He placed in my heart. And I know it’s only because of His strength that I’m going to be able to walk it, because I’ve seen a glimpse of my future, and honestly, there are aspects of it that I absolutely dread. But it’s the bigger picture that matters. It is what is truly important.